by Brielle Diskin
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs places sex on the same level as it does food, water, and breathing. Sex is a part of our physiological needs, needs which drive us to survive. So when you tell people you are voluntarily abstaining from said need, they’ll probably look at you a little funny—like you’re going against human nature or something. At least that was my initial reaction when I kept hearing of friends opting for the road less traveled.
Upon discussions with friends (of both sexes) deciding to put their sex lives on hold, I gained a better understanding of what it actually means to go celibate. The term celibacy often brings up images of monks and promise rings. While it is synonymous with religion, it’s not limited to it.
Celibacy, in its simplest definition, is choosing not to date or have sexual relations. The choice is as personal as it is deliberate. One does not make such a decision without a reason or a motivation to uphold it.
The reason could be as simple as the fact that, sometimes, life gets too overwhelming. You’re juggling everything from jobs, to friends, to feeding yourself, and maintaining your physical and mental health. Sometimes you have to stop for a minute—because at most a minute is all you’ll get—and let one thing go for a little while. Romance and all of its tangledness is often that one thing you need to put on pause so that the rest can resume.
It’s not an unpopular choice to make. Celebrities from Lady Gaga to Nicki Minaj are publicly candid about times in their life in which they voluntarily abstain from sex. Gaga has said she remained celibate on tours because she didn’t have time to really get to know someone while she’s on the road and you don’t need to have sex to be loved—facts.
I have one friend who vowed not to go on a date until she emotionally recovered from Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court confirmation. She said the way she viewed men was tainted and as a woman she felt powerless. For her, going celibate was an attempt to regain some of the agency that taken from her.
Another friend of mine vowed celibacy for a set time perimeter of four months. He just got out of a toxic three year relationship which left him emotionally vulnerable. He said he wanted to remind himself of what it felt like to be alone and comfortable with that.
Life is messy, and so is love—it’s nothing new. But, modern dating in this era of hook-up culture demands its own breed of a much-needed vacation.
Finding something real in our hook-up culture is not impossible, but it’s all too often excruciating. It’s hard to hold on to a relationship that exists solely of those precious “wyd” (what’re you doing) texts at three in the morning. If all you’re looking for is a hookup, then this system is perfect for you. But, for many humans, they need more than just sex, and that’s why love and belonging are on our hierarchy of needs too.
In a landslide of casual encounters of the not so intimate kind, it’s easy to lose yourself and forget what you want from another person outside the physicality of it all. Celibacy provides a way to recalculate what you want out of a relationship before booty calls get confused as something of more significance. It also allows you to get to know someone you often overlook—yourself.
There is little that’s more important than self-love— and not the charcoal face mask wearing, bubble bath bathing self-care stuff (see Faith Franzionia’s article on self-care). Real self-love is spending time with and taking care of yourself to build your self esteem. It’s easy to get caught up in someone else that just happens to be around, depending on someone you don’t truly care about for the comfort in knowing that there is someone there. Relying on someone else for your own happiness is easy but not wise. Even if you are with exactly who you’re supposed to be with at the exact time in your life you two are both supposed to be together, you can’t look to someone else for your well-being, it has to come from within.
“What’s love got to do with it if you don’t love yourself,” per Tina Turner.
After hard breakups, celibacy works for a lot of people. It gives them the opportunity to focus on healing. It’s not easy to ignore phrases like “the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.” It’s always about moving on, on to the next. If being celibate means letting some of that stress go, that doesn’t sound so bad.
A lot of things about celibacy sound like a pretty sweet deal. You don’t have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy. You have more time to focus on yourself. You have more time to exercise or catch up on your hobbies. You can prioritize other things that are also important to you, maybe it’s your work, building a career or chasing your dreams. You have time to focus on your friendships and your family. And you own the fire stick.
There’s something to be said for being alone, we spend so much of our lives living for other people. Whether you’re being a boyfriend, a sister, or a friend. It is rare to get those moments where all we have to do is be ourselves and be with ourselves.
While celibacy undoubtedly has some benefits, it’s not a way out. It’s good to take a temporary time-out in the sake of protecting or healing your heart. Take as much time as you need to, but don’t let it take forever. We don’t just need connection and belonging, we want it. Sex and dating are complicated, but it should be.
So as Young Mc put it, “every dark tunnel has a light of hope, so don’t hang yourself with a celibate rope.”