There are a multitude of things that I have done while intoxicated that I (hopefully) would not do sober, including peeing on a residence hall, kissing a friend’s ex-boyfriend and kicking a cabinet door off its hinges in a frat house kitchen. While these things seemed like good ideas at the time, and certainly make for an interesting story or two, I probably wouldn’t try them again. There is also quite an extensive list of things that I have eaten drunk that I probably wouldn’t try to eat sober… or at least I would think twice before I did it. Here are a few:
Easy Mac
Drunk: If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, then easy mac is drunk diamond. There is nothing better than coming home from a night out, kicking off your frat heels, and crawling into the steamy, cheesy embrace of a cup of easy mac. Easy mac won’t throw up on my sheets. Easy mac won’t “forget” to call in the morning.
Sober: If easy mac is drunk diamond, then it is sober cubic zirconia. It looks great from the outside, but we all know it’s an awful fraud and in no way compares to the real thing. Have you even looked at the consistency of easy mac while sober? I wish I hadn’t.
Fat Sandwiches
Drunk: Fat sandwiches are hungry-drunk heaven. I am never so excited to see so much food of a “fried” variety than when I drunkenly bite into one of these asinine creations. I think I’ve finished a fat sandwich once in my life, and I’m not sure I remember the experience…or the rest of the night.
Sober: I admit that my first encounter with a fat sandwich was alcohol-free. I also regretted it about ⅓ way into the sandwich, and for about 3 hours afterward. I can barely look at the grease trucks while sober.
New Brunswick Pizza. Like, any of it.
Drunk: My dorm has a group chat with everyone in it, and I’ll be damned if there isn’t a request for “Does anyone want to order pizza?” at least twice a week. The lounge trashcans are filled with pizza boxes every weekend. I’d often rather come home with a pizza than a guy.
Sober: As convenient and beautiful as pizza is, let’s be real: we’re from New Jersey. We have very strong opinions about a lot of things, and one of those things is pizza. All of the pizza in this town sucks, especially when it’s made at 2AM by someone who just wants to go the f**k home.
That Thing Wrapped in Tin-foil in the Back of Your Fridge
Drunk: It was an accident, a serious lapse in judgement. I thought it was going to be okay and I was very wrong. I shouldn’t have done it. Oh god.
Sober: Just… don’t.
Michelle Chen