Falling in love is like…um, actually I’m none too sure what it feels like. I was going to say something really insightful and flowery. Something romantic, basically. But, I can’t seem to find the words to describe what falling in love is like. I’m not even sure what it feels like or if I’ve ever truly been in love. Most of all, that’s because I’ve never been loved back you see. It’s hard out here for a gay man of color. I have several disadvantages holding me back – and many great qualities too, don’t get me wrong. I’m lucky to be me, and I know that. Or at least, I’m trying to know that, to live that, to have that secure in my mind against all the other voices from within and from without.
But nonetheless, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never be enough of the “perfect” partner for many other gays. Not pale enough, not tall, muscular and chiseled or well-to-do and ambitious enough and so forth. I’m not sure exactly how much those things are holding me back, though. They’re like ghosts. You can’t really see them or prove its there with surefire certainty but you can’t really shake off the feeling if its there. Maybe its this age, being in college and all. I doubt very many people are looking for something serious when their time is so taken up with full course loads, internships, part-time or full-time jobs, scrounging for scholarships, and spending time with beloved friends in between. And know what? I love my friends. Sometimes I wonder what the difference between a friend and a love is. They can both be partners, right? Maybe its just the added bonus of physical attraction. And that’s immensely important I think. To want someone totally, body and soul.
Perhaps that’s what love is like. A super-friendship. It’s patient. It’s kind. It’s founded on a shared love of something greater than the two halves of the whole. Falling in love then, is like a leap of faith. You can give reasons for why you love that person, but your love can’t be reduced to those reasons. At some point you just have to take that leap, let yourself fall and tumble. It is united through the meeting of two bodies, two souls. It never fails. Never ceases. “Where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” (1 Corinthians 13:8)
Jose Sanchez