Honestly, men are trash. And, yes, that includes all men. White men, men of color, gay men, straight men, me; there are no exceptions. Being sexually attracted to the less impressive half of the human race sometimes feels like the sickest joke that someone could possibly play on you. I mean, by being sexually oriented towards men, you not only crave your oppressor’s attention, but you want to fuck them too. That’s on some serious Stockholm Syndrome shit.
Now, as a cisgendered white man in a world that upholds heterosexuality, I really do have it made — being attracted to women should be my prerogative. So, what the hell went wrong? Like, who made me gay? Who did this to me? I really want to know. If anyone has their address, lmk; I just wanna talk…
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a part of the queer community. There’s so much pride and culture that comes with loving who you are as a sexually queer and/or genderqueer person, especially in college. Nevertheless, the mechanics of a relationship with another man are just… a lot.
Questions of what caused and why I have to deal with my sexuality have induced multiple existential crises, to say the least. It’s not something that plagues me on the day in and day out, but rather a thought that seeps its way into my most vulnerable moments. The feeling strikes at my emotional midnight — when I am freshly wounded from the asinine shenanigans of one boy and looking for another to take his place.
Even as I write this, Grindr lays open on my phone, tempting me to tap into the cesspool of an app and pick out some unwanted but not unwelcomed attention from the local reservoir of men. However, New Brunswick water is dirty — half of the men who message me I don’t even answer; they’re creepy and think that unsolicited dick pics will make me want them. I don’t even think twice before blocking them, but I feed off of their desire for me. It’s like a drug, just a hit from the ones who you don’t want, and when you actually do want a whole one for once, they take a hit of you and leave.
I don’t hate myself, or my sexuality. I want to reiterate that in order to make it clear. I just don’t get what I did in my past life that was bad enough to get me being gay as a punishment. I also don’t get who let everything with a penis act like such inconsiderate trash, myself included. If you read this and happen to be in contact with Mother Nature, let her know that my feelings are hurt and I’m sick of the emotional turmoil. Let her know that she needs to shape up and square up, because women don’t deserve this and neither do I.